His Perdition
by H-Relics98
Summary: Shinigami has decided to keep a watch on Duo, even after the war. However, Duo doesn't want him there anymore, can he escape from the darkness in his mind? Or will Shinigami keep him in a reality far different from the truth? 1x2,5x2,Deathfic,Yaoi


Hello! Yes! It's fixed! I couldn't upload this story for a long time casue the documents manager was down! And now it's not, YAY! Well,I don't own GW...or the G-Boys, thoughI wishI did. Ok, dark fc ahead! Now on to reading! (it makes you smart!)

ENJOY!

Warnings: 1x2, 5x2, deathfic, dark

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_/ Heave the silver hollow sliver _

_Piercing through another victim _

_Turn and tremble be judgmental _

_Ignorant to all the symbols_

_Blind the face with beauty paste _

_Eventually you'll one day know _

_Change my attempt good intentions _

_Limbs tied, skin tight_

_Self inflicted his perdition. /_

I hate winter, I used to love it, but now I hate, it almost took him away from me. Damn season. It almost tore me apart; it nearly ruined him…I hate winter. I hate it as much as I hated the war, as much as I hated those sons of bitchs that blew up the church. But what I hate the most is that he let himself fall that deep. He let himself become like that…and I hate him for it and love him at the same time. Damn him for doing this to me, to us…to himself. Oh sure, he's all right now but the darkness still lingers in my mind, it will never leave. It can't not now, not when Shinigami has gotten a hold on it.

Shinigami will always be with me. He came the day Solo left and was with me through the war…but he wasn't there when I needed him the most. He was lost to his own darkness when Heero was in need. And I hate him for that; I hate myself for depending on such a monster. And I hate Heero for believing in me. For believing in Shinigami. And now, he's always there; he won't ever go, never. I can smell the blood all over again; I can see the deaths anew. I can hear my own sick screams, Shinigami's torture.

"Duo?" Heero calls to me. Calls me back from my darkness that he doesn't know is there. I can't let him know, Heero will run if he knows that my darkness is resurfaced.

"Yeah?"

"I love you,"

"I know…"

That's all I say, if I say that I love him back, Shinigami will know. If Shinigami knows, he'll take Heero away, like he almost did last winter. I hate winter. Heero comes up from behind me and hugs me tight, knowing that I love him, but wondering why I wouldn't tell him. It hurts me to see that wonder in his eyes when I used to whisper those words to him everyday…but I can't please, Heero don't make me say it. Don't make Shinigami kill you too.

Please…

No…

Heero…

"Pizza ok for dinner? I'm not up for cooking." Heero asks me. I don't want pizza; the sauce looks too much like blood…flesh cut up and dead. But Shinigami craves it. And I let him speak for me,

"Hell yeah,"

Please…

Save me…

Heero…

"Ok, I'll go call love,"

"Alright,"

"Pepperoni good?"

No, it's not good, it's too much like flesh that I've blown apart, flesh that Shinigami craves. But Shinigami gets what he wants.

"Yes,"

No…Heero. I sit in our room for a while, wondering, hoping that Shinigami would go away. But I should know better then that, I made him after all…Shinigami is my creation and he can't ever leave. My fallen angel who I used to want with me all the time, just so I could make it through the war…but god I wish he would go away…I can't live in darkness forever.

I took up art, hoping that if I could get Shinigami down on paper that he would leave with it when someone bought my work. But it only made him stronger and now, I see him all the time. Smiling at me, fangs covered in blood, eyes glowing red…my personal vampire. Heero…make him go away, please…

Save me…

But how can Heero save me if he doesn't even know? How can anyone help save a victim from darkness that they don't know is there? Heero comes back in and strokes my braid…something that is quickly becoming a part of Shinigami. I don't want him to touch my hair, Shinigami might feel him, might know that I love him. Please, don't touch my hair…don't touch me…don't let me kill you…

"Are you alright?"

"I'm a little tired."

And Heero kisses my temple; you're so brave, for touching something so evil. Please, Heero don't let the darkness cover me…please, be my angel.

"Alright, sleep for a bit love, I'll wake you when dinner comes,"

I wish you wouldn't, Heero…I wish you'd let me sleep forever. He pushes me back onto our bed and kisses me gently again, god how I want you. I wish I could tell you, but he'll know…he can't ever know. Heero leaves the room after tucking me in, telling me to have sweet dreams. Sweet dreams of what? Death? Oh please, don't let my wasteland come to me. At least he kept the lights on, that way I can't see Shinigami in the present. This way I can only see him in my mind.

When did I become so afraid of the thing I created? When did I let darkness take over my life? Heero…please come back, don't leave me alone. I need your light. And as my eyes close, Shinigami smirks, welcoming me to his underworld.

_I can hear the sirens. They're so loud, hurry please. He's dieing, I can see it in his eyes. Don't die, Heero please don't leave me alone. I need you, don't die on me! He's bleeding all over me but I don't care. I just want him to be all right. Stupid missions, stupid Preventers, stupid Une! Heero! You're so stupid! _

"_Baka!" _

_Heero chuckles at me as I whisper harshly at him, leaning my temple against his. I rock his body back and forth he can't die. You can't die Heero! And all too soon Heero is ripped form my arms, taken away form me. I can feel my hysteria rising, I need him, I need to see him. Don't take him away form me!_

"_No!"_

"_Stop it Duo! He needs to get to a hospital!"_

"_NO!"_

"_Duo!"_

"_Please…" _

_I'm out of energy, I can't move, he's holding me back…Shinigami…help me, Wufei is holding me back. Shinigami! Where are you? Why did you leave me? _

"_Heero…"_

_I'm so alone…how could you leave me all alone? Why did you leave me? Father? Sister…Solo!_

_Please…_

_No…_

_I'm alone…_

_Wufei and I rush to the hospital, fallowing the ambulance closely. Heero, my angel…please don't die. You're my light. I would be so lost without you. It's raining, pouring actually. And it's so cold, so very cold. I need you…I need your warmth, don't die. Please…I couldn't stand it if you left. I'm mad, at you for being so careless, at myself for not getting to you faster, at Wufei for not backing you up better. I'm mad at Lady for giving you this assignment. I'm mad at the criminals that shot you, and I'm so very mad at Shinigami, because he's not here to surround me in darkness when my light it gone. You've all left me so cold. _

_It's bright in the hospital, it seems like the sun is in here. Everything's so white, I want to paint it over, make it dark, and show these people what true darkness is like. I want them to see my nightmares, visions of bits and pieces of OZ soldiers. Of rivers made of blood and human flesh. I want them to see the orphan kids of L2, bony and dieing. I want them to feel the sharpness of their tiny bones, to burn with hunger. I want them to feel my knife cutting them apart; I want them to be soaked in that blood._

_Heero…my white knight, I need you, I love you. Please don't tell me your gone…please… I'll kill them! Where are they? Let me kill them Lady! Let me let him out! Let Shinigami rip them apart! I won't let them get away with this._

_Please…Heero. I'm a mess, I'm panicking, I'm alone…help me…_

_Don't leave me here…_

_Don't let it consume me…_

_Heero…_

_My angel…_

_Live for me…_

_HEERO!_

"HEERO!" I can hear myself shout as I awake from the past winter. Shinigami is laughing at me. I'm so cold. I curl in on myself, wishing to forget that I had almost lost Heero. Shut up! Shut up Shinigami! Stop laughing! It's not funny! Shut up! Leave me alone…go away! I said,

"SHUT UP!"

Why won't you leave me? Why do you torture me? Is it because I wished for you to come back? Its my fault that you're here, I know it is. I'm inflicting myself with darkness. I'm cutting my own wounds. But if I made you, why won't you go away? Heero…help me…I'm so weak, don't leave me…please, it's so dark, come save me.

"Heero…"

"I'm right here!" Heero's voice interrupts my mind. He's not dead, he's not gone. My angel of light is still with me. I feel Heero wrap his arms around me, holding me close. He curls around my curled body, warming me. I can feel myself breaking…the dam is coming. I can't get it out of me head. I keep seeing Heero lying there, surrounded by a pool of blood. I keep seeing the bastard that shot Heero standing there staring wide eyed at Heero's body, my angel that had fallen. At least, that's what I see when Shinigami isn't blocking my vision. Heero, help me…

"Help me…"

"Shh, its ok, I'm alive,"

"Heero…"

"Hush, Baka, I'm not going anywhere,"

That's right, I'm you idiot Heero, I always will be. But Shinigami is slowly taking control…your love is fading Heero…don't let me fade! Please! Can't you see it in my eyes? I'm dying…help me please…

"Its ok, go back to sleep,"

"Ok…"

Ok…I can sleep with you here. As long as it's you, I'll be all right. I don't feel so cold when you're holding me. You're my light. You shove Shinigami back…but I'll never say that I love you…not out loud. Because then Shinigami would kill you. I won't let him kill you. He won't win! I won't let him.

Just hold me…love me, I'm safe with you. However, I don't fall back asleep, hell no. I'm not going to let Shinigami take my dreams over again. I'll stay awake forever. As long as you're with me. And I find that you are the one that falls asleep. I hear the pizza come, but I won't go get it. Never. I won't bring dead bodies in here. I don't think I can ever have pizza again…and I have to shut my eyes tight for a second to stay in the present.

It's awhile before Heero awakes, and I smile slightly when he does. He nuzzles my neck. I love it when he does that.

"Why didn't you wake me?"

"I…" I don't know what to say. "I didn't want too. You need rest,"

"Hn, I'm fine,"

"But you work hard, you need rest,"

"What about you? You look so tired."

Could it be? Are you seeing Shinigami behind my stained glass? Please, help me Heero! I'm still here, don't leave me broken!

"I-I…"

"Like you did during the war,"

Yes! That's it! I'm right there, I can break through, I won't let Shinigami push me away, I'm right here! Don't let me slip again, don't you fucking dare!

"Heero…help me,"

"Duo?"

"Won't leave me alone…"

Fuck it, I'm not gunna let Shinigami control me anymore! It's been this way for far to long! It's time that you leave me Shini. I'm not gunna be afraid, I created you, I'll destroy you as well!

"Duo?"

"Shinigami…" I whisper and Heero gasps. No, don't get that look in your eyes. Don't look at me like that. That look is what sends me back crawling to Shinigami. And I find myself begging for Heero to help, I don't want to go back into hiding, I don't want Shinigami to be out and prowling around!

"Heero! Please! Save me…"

"Duo…"

"Please…"

Don't…don't do this to me Heero, help me you bastard! Fucking help me!

"Duo…I-I"

"I love you…"

And Heero's eyes hardened in determination, I saw the dark blue swirl like storm clouds. I saw the thunder and heat in those eyes that I love so much. You won't let me down will you Heero?

"I love you too Duo,"

"Heero…"

And just when I thought I was safe, the dark whispers slowly arise…no…don't drag me down again! Just because I told him! And Heero's voice from far off told me something that I needed to hear, something that gave me back my strength that I had learned on the streets. The strength that allowed me to create Shinigami and stay in control. My own darkness that I once ruled the world in.

" Don't let him win…you're stronger then this,"

"Heero,"

"Don't give in!

"Heero…"

"Don't give up on me 02!"

And suddenly I was back in control. But, being back in control…it brought me to a different place. I blinked, it was so bright…why the hell did everything have to be so freakin' bright. I growled at strains of hair that was in my face and tickling my face. As I lifted my hand to brush them away…I found that I couldn't. And suddenly panic hit me. I was strapped together, in a straight jacket. What the hell as this? Was this some kind of sick joke?

"Haha, funny Yuy!"

I said and stood, at least I could freakin' walk. I felt…dirty. Like I hadn't taken a shower in awhile. And I felt older…and sad. Something happened, but my mind didn't want to let me know. I was shaking. I felt sick and hungry. When was the last time I ate something? It felt like I had carved my stomach out. I had pains, I haven't felt this hungry since L2. My head hurt too, like a mother-fucking bitch. Gods, don't they give psycho people painkillers?

Whoa there, I'm one of these psycho people I'm talking about. I sat back down; this is something that you have to take in slowly. I stared at my hands for the longest time and the only thing I could come up with was how the hell I had gotten here. If Heero put me in here, he was so dead! He knows me better, please; don't let him be the one that put me in here.

But right now, I wanted out of here. Funny, I always knew I'd end up in one of these places, but I always thought my reaction would be a bit different…not as calm. I stood once again and knocked on the dark window, hoping to get someone's attention. A females voice answered me in a voice that made me annoyed. I was not some 5 fucking year old kid.

"Yes Duo?"

"Let me the hell out bitch."

She gasped. Haha, good, get a taste of my wrath. I was fucking pissed, and someone was gunna pay. No one just placed Duo Maxwell into a psycho home. Besides, it's not like this is the first time Shinigami took over my body. It just…takes me awhile to get back in control. This time was harder then ever; I really began to wonder why. I bet it's because of the thing that I'm sad about, still have no idea what the hell it is but…

"Yeah, stop standing there and gaping at me. I'm fucking back to normal, go yell at some freak who gets paid for studying people like me to come and let me out!"

The COM link was suddenly static. Well, at lest their listening to me. I waited awhile, it was taking a long time, and maybe they weren't going to let me out after all? That got me even more upset, mad idea Maxwell. So I just sat my scrawny ass down infront of the 'pretty' white door. I think I was falling asleep by the time a key clawed its way into the door and unlocked the stupid thing. However, instead of seeing some doctor that I wanted to beat the shit out of, Wufei Chang greeted me, a relieved look on his face. I stuttered,

"W-Wufei?"

"Oh thank fucking god,"

And I was suddenly pulled into Wufei's arms, breathing against his strong chest. Ok, I was so fucking confused now, what the hell was going on? I pushed back a little, wanting answers. One of them was when did Wufei become so touchy-feely? I made a surprised sound as I realized that I had to step back to see Wufei's face, well he had grown…a lot. Just how long was I in here for?

When I finally had view of my old comrades face, he was smiling sadly at me. He looked older too, his jaw line was incredibly chiseled…made me want to jump him right there…what the hell Maxwell? Remember Heero? Your fallen angel of light…the one who pulled you through this…the one…who…oh my god.

"Fei?"

My voice sounded so insecure. This couldn't be happening…Heero wasn't the one who helped me back from Shinigami…I did it all on my own. Why is Heero not with me? Oh god please…doesn't…that dream…no, please. What the hell was I not remembering? Heero. Last winter, something about last winter. I hate winter…why do I hate winter? I used to love it…I hate winter…I hate it! Oh my god! I hated it so much…where the hell was all this anger coming from? I glanced back up into Wufei's dark strong eyes,

"I hate winter," I whispered.

"I know,"

"Why do I hate winter?"

I think I was talking to myself more then Wufei but he answered me anyway.

"Because, that's when Heero-"

Oh god, he didn't even have to finish. It just came rushing back to me like a wave of snowballs in a snow fight. Oh shit…Heero…gone…he's gone. He died…he died at the hospital…oh my god…

"_Duo Maxwell?"_

_I heard a woman ask, but I was to worried to answer her, I just needed to get to Heero. Wufei stood up at my side,_

"_Yes?" _

_I dimly heard Wufei answer her. I glanced up at Wufei at the eerie silence that had covered the three of us standing there. The women glanced down sadly and patted Wufei's shoulder,_

"_I-I'm sorry, but Heero Yuy…didn't make it through the surgery." _

_I gasped and I felt the tears pouring down my face. I knew it, I felt it, I knew he was gone! Damnit! He promised he wouldn't leave me! I only had 2 years with him! Only two years! We were supposed to live together forever after the war! Not die 2 years after it ended! No…I can't believe it, I won't, and I'll hide. I'll hide away in Shinigami, just like I always do, I run and I hide…my Shinigami, my other lover, my dark angel that shelters me when my angle of light isn't there too._

"_Shit! Duo! Damnit! Duo stay with me here!"_

"Duo?" Wufei asked, concern in his voice.

"Fei…no," and I fell forward, clinging to Wufei. I remembered everything. I had done what I had said I would do. I hid; I hid away form the world! All because my fallen angel of light had gone and left me. I clutched tightly to Wufei. A whole year! I've rotted away for a whole year! No…I promised Heero that I would never do that. Shit…I had broken a promise too. And I found myself falling into Wufei, looking for a shelter now that my reality had caught up with me. My tears fell freely, hard and fast and I couldn't stop them. Wufei held on to me tightly and I though to myself, that he was so strong…just like Heero.

"Duo…"

I buried my face deeper into Wufei's chest, gods he had gotten so tall. I clutched to him tightly, afraid that I would let Shinigami take back over if I didn't. I was done hiding, it was time for me to come out and show Heero that I would be alright, that I could be happy for him and live my life to the fullest not just for me, but for him too. But for right now, I needed someone who could hold me and tell me that the pain would pass in time. Because as much as I told myself that, I needed someone that I loved to tell me that as well.

"Fei…"

"Shh, I'm right here,"

Something that Heero would tell me all the time. And I realized then that Wufei could be my next love. In a way, he had always been in the first place. I have to admit, Wufei had caught my eye a lot faster then Heero ever did. But not right now, I had to heal first, and I think Wufei knew that too, but he told me something that would help me heal,

"I love you,"

"Don't say it if you don't mean it Fei…because I can't handle that right now,"

"I mean, forever. I'll wait as long as I have too,"

Shinigami laughed quietly and I growled at him to be quiet. Shinigami hates waiting. He always has and always will. He's my cruel twin, my lust for sex, my reason for killing, my will power to go on. As long as I was in control, Shinigami was my best friend.

I hugged Wufei close, and I was glad when I finally got to breath some fresh air. Thank god Wufei had gotten me out of there. It felt good, being in regular cloths again, in my black cloths. Gods I missed everything so much. I missed the rhythm of the rain falling, the way the gray clouds melted with white as a storm pressed forward. I missed the way the trees swayed in the howling wind. I've made up my mind Shinigami, you do know that right? I'm gunna live and I'm gunna love. You're not taking anyone else away from me. I won't let you take away Wufei, and I won't let you take away my happiness for Heero.

Heero…

I love you…

My angel of hope…

I look up at the sky as Wufei drives down the dirty road, now mud because of the rain. I smile for the first time in a long time, and my cheeks hurt, Shinigami laughs again. Stupid bastard, I never should have given him a voice. But, I smile; because Heero deserves to know that I'm all right. That he doesn't have to watch out for me anymore. The war is over finally Heero, and you don't have to cover my back anymore. I love you, and I thank you, I just wish that we could have ended the war together, with both of us coming out on top. But thanks, Heero, for winning my gothic war. It was my obsession…

Heero…

Don't worry…

My self-inflicted perdition is over…

I love you…

"Fei? I-I love you too you know…it's just that…I'm not done,"

"Healing? I know my little Shinigami, I know…"

I smile, I'm his little Shinigami you hear that? Both of you! Yeah I'm talking to you too Heero. Guess I'm not your little Baka anymore huh? But if you want, on some lonely nights, I'll always be your little Baka. And you shut that mouth Shini, just be glad that someone acknowledges you besides me. At least you're not a threat to Fei; you were to Heero you know.

Silence…

Ha, that shut him up. But, my only problem is that, I'm calling for you, Heero and you're not answering me.

Heero…

Please…

Still help me….

I'm calling….

I'm falling…

Heero…

I'm sorry…

So sorry…

I love you…

Heero…

Yep, still no answer. I sigh and look at Wufei, he seems tired and I decide to find out about what has happened in the world in a year.

"How's every one?"

"I don't know. It's not like I keep in touch…"

"They didn't go to Heero's…"

"They came, they 're worried about you too,"

"Oh…"

"I told them that I would take care of you and that you were strong,"

That means a lot to me Wufei, thank you. Hear that Shini? I'm STRONG, so get over it! Yep…I'm still crazy, maybe Wufei shouldn't have taken me out of there so fast…hehe…yeah defiantly crazy. It's late, I know it is, I can fell myself drifting and I mumble a night to Wufei. He answered me back but I was to far gone by then, oh well.

I awoke the next morning in Wufei's apartment. It smelled like Chinese spices and it smelled…clean? Can something smell clean? That's so weird…but so Wufei. I stretch; still feeling a little off, I mean suddenly my life is so different from what it was. I was living in my head for a whole year…shouldn't I be more…messed up? That's what I think as I walk to the balcony and look out over the city, the morning sun reflecting off the windows of office buildings.

"_You're messed up already,"_

"Heero?"

"_I'm right here,"_

I smile, I know you are, you always will be, my angel.

"Thank you, Heero,"

"_Anything for my Baka,"_

I laugh. Yep, he's still Heero even when he's dead. I don't say anything for a long time and I'm afraid he's left me. However, as Wufei calls me in for breakfast, I whisper into the wind, hoping that he's still with me forever,

"I love you,"

"_Baka, go eat, you're too skinny,"_

I smile widely, my angel will always be with me, guess you've got some company Shinigami.

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End! ok so it was short and dark...heck yes! Anyway, tell me what you think? Thanks for reading!


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